Sunday, November 14, 2010

Why do I do this to myself?

I love my family, I really do.  But sometimes, its just so hard to be around them.  I always feel like I'm being such a bitch, but I'm afraid if I open my mouth I'm just gonna cry. 

My husband and I went to his sister's house in Richmond yesterday.  She has a 2 year old and is due with their second son in early March.  I actually found out she was pg 2 days after coming home from the hospital without my newborn daughter.  She didn't want to tell us, but she didn't want to hide it either.  It hurt...almost as much as knowing my daughter had died.  I thought I was okay with it now.  I thought I was okay being around kids to.  I mean, I've held infants, been around other pregnant people since we lost her, so why did being around her yesterday bother me?  I don't like the jealous feeling...its not me.  But it wouldn't go away yesterday.  Its was only surpassed by the severe heartache I felt everytime I looked at her baby bump.  I am truly happy for them, I know how much they went through with their first son (he was born with a heart defect and has had open heart surgery, and will probably have to have another one soon) and I know this new little boy is a miracle.  So why am I jealous?  I just don't get it. 

And, then, today was the baptism of the daughter of one of my good friends.  We were named her godparents.  I was fine through most of the service, including holding her.  Then I'm fighting tears when they start singing "I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry."  I started thinking about how I didn't hear her cry, how she didn't even get a chance to take a breath.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I should be proud, happy to be a Godmother again.  Well, I am.  But still, why can't I control my emotions?  This honestly is not how I wanted to be.  Am I always going to be in the edge of tears?  How the hell am I supposed to function if every stupid little thing sets me off?

Missing my baby girl so much!


Missy said...

My sister in law is expecting, due in January. I just spent two days with her and it is so hard! I don't know how you have held a baby yet. You are so strong! But yes the tears are there and your emotions are valid! The tears do not mean that you aren't proud or happy. You just are. Much love to you momma!

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