A fitful night

     First of all, let me apologize for my obscene language on a previous post.  I hope it didn't offend anyone.  Cursing really does make me feel better, but I have no idea why. 
     I slept well Saturday night...I think the emotions of the day exhausted me.  But last night was a different story.  My mind has been going nonstop.  I keep asking myself why I couldn't hold Nick...after all, I've held babies several times since I delivered Addie.  But none were newborn and all were born before I lost her.  I don't know if either or both of those makes a difference.  And I wonder if being in the hospital made any difference.  I want to try again, though, and soon.  I want to meet him properly and say hello.  I want to apologize and explain to him why I couldn't stand to be around him.  Yes, I know he won't understand, but I need to do it for my own piece of mind.
     Can I just add that I am so embarassed by how I acted.  I don't know why I'm ashamed...its almost like I'm ashamed of the fact that my daughter died and now I can't handle babies.  WTH?  I don't know what's worse...the disappointment or the shame?
     Still, the fact that I couldn't hold Nick is sticking with me.  If I couldn't hold him, how in the world will I be able to hold my own newborn, if/when we get pregnant again.  This simple fact has me questioning if I am ready for another baby like I had originally thought.  This brings me to the point of saying we are now past the 6 month mark.  According to our doctors it is now safe to start trying to get pregnant.  But are we, am I, ready for this?
     I dreamed about her again, too.  Same kind of dream.  She was smiling and laughing; she was so very happy to see me, it seems.  But again, I could not touch her.  She was lying on her back, grabbing her toes and just giggling her little heart out.  That hurt...a lot.  I wanted so badly to go and tickle those toes.  Why is she coming back to me now?  I haven't had a dream about her in awhile, so why now?  Did meeting Nick on Saturday cause her to come back to me?  Or maybe her birthday?  Who knows....

As long as I live...

     "As long as I live, you will live.  As long as I live, you will be loved.  As long as I live, you will be remembered."  ---Author Unknown

My baby girl,

     Can it really be 6 months?  Seems like a lifetime and so fast all at the same time.  That makes no sense whatsoever, but its true.  Its exactly how I feel.  Six months since I first met you and six months since I had to say goodbye to your beautiful, chubby face.  Do you know how much I miss you?  More and more everyday...almost as much as I love you.  I still can't believe its been six months...how in the hell have I survived six whole months without you?  I miss you...

     On a somewhat brighter note, your new cousin arrived safe and sound.  Momma didn't do too well going to visit, but Daddy took some pictures.  Momma wasn't able to get very close to him and had a serious meltdown after only about 15 minutes.  But, I am happy to report that Nicholas Xavier is a healthy, beautiful little boy.  One day I'll hold him, just not yet.

     Momma misses you more than you will ever know.  Happy 1/2 Birthday little girl, I love you!  Fly high and keep an eye on your cousins.  I'll love you forever, no matter how far apart we are.

Sending hugs and kisses to the stars,

Momma

Epic fucking failure...I suck.

Oh yeah complete failure.  At least I made to the hospital.  I fucking suck.  I'm a complete asshole.  I am so disappointed in myself.

Oh, baby...

     Seriously, I don't thnk I've ever posted this much in one day.  So, my SIL just texted me.  They are on the way to the hospital, her water broke.  Oh shit.  P wants to go down tomorrow.  I do too...I need to see that he is safe and healthy, but I am scared.  Scared of the baby, scared of the hospital, scared of my own emotions.  Oh shit.  I still haven't decided if I want to hold him or not.  Maybe I'll wait until I see him to decide.  In the mean time, I need to get a hold of myself.  My heart is racing, I've cried twice since I found out and its only been an hour.  I know I should go...I HAVE to go.  I have to make sure he is okay.  Amanda was there for me when I delivered Addie, I want to be there for her.  Plus, I could never forgive myself if something happened and we weren't there.  Oh shit.  All this and Addie's 6 month birthday is on Sunday.  Oh baby...oh shit!

On Her Wings

     So, the memory box project is off to a good start.  We've got some ideas on wwhat we're including in the boxes.  There os a fellow BLM, Raquel (Matthew and Jeremiah's mommy), who has offered to make a special item to add to the boxes.  She blogs about it here.  I can't wait to see how they turn out!  Thank you so much Raquel!  My mom has had the idea to make scented wax "candles" like the one she bought for me.  They're stuffed bears dipped in wax and combed so the wax looks like fur.  They hold scent really well.  Plus I'm desgning footprint cards, certificates of life, and trying to teach myself how to crochet so i can include hand made blankets.  We'll see how well that particular part goes.  Please stay tuned to my other blog, On Her Wings, for more updates!  And thank you all for the support and encouraging words!

Here is an example of the butterflies that Raquel offered to make for the boxes.  She sent me this pic  (2/25/11)

     I love it!  I can't wait to see the rest when she finishes!  Thanks so much Raquel!



A rainbow on the horizon? Am I ready for this?

     First of all, no I'm not pregnant...I've just been thinking a lot lately about having another baby.  I know I've posted about this before, but, the closer we get to actually start trying again, the more I think about it.  I keep telling myself I am ready for another baby, but am I really?  My nephew should be arriving any day now and I am scared shitless.  I don't know how I'm going to handle it.  If I can't handle his arrival, how in the hell am I going to handle the stress of my own pregnancy?  When I saw the peri last month, she said I would be seeing her so often that I might as well move in with her.  It was funny at the time, and still is somewhat, but it's really hitting me hard.  I knew, even before she said it, that I would be followed very closely for any subsequent pregnancies, but I guess I didn't fully realize just how serious the situation is.  I keep telling myself I'm not ready to give up and I'm not!  I refuse to give up, I just don't know if I can handle another loss...I don't know how other women have done it....I've met so many women, through blogging, Facebook, and other forums who have had multiple losses.  I just can't wrap my head around how they've survived.  I've barely kept my head above water these last 6 months, how have they done it multiple times?  Ugh, I hate having these doubts!  I was so excited at the fact of trying again...and now I'm questioning everything.  The important thing is...I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP YET!!!!!

     On the other hand, I've been gearing myself up for "E2's" arrival.  Per my SIL, her doctor says any day now.  I am excited for his arrival, but I'm scared at my own reaction.  I haven't held a newborn since Addie.  Yes, I've held babies, but not a newborn.  I don't know how I will react when I finally get to hold him...or if I will at all.  I haven't decided yet, but I'm almost sure that I want to hold him.  I apologized to her today for the moodiness.  I can't believe it took me this long to do it.  I guess I didn't want to face the fact that I was being a bitch...I knew I was I just didn't want to admit it.  I hope she can forgive me for it, because I really don't mean to be a bitch...it's just been so hard to be around her.  Especially considering she told us she was pregnant the day after I got home from the hospital.  She didn't do that on purpose...she was to the point where she was starting to show and couldn't hide it any longer, so I can't blame her for that.  Since then, I know I haven't been the nicest person to her...but I'm trying, and I explained that today.  I just hope she understands.

‎"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

New memorial pictures

     Sending a big thank you out to Chai's mommy, Missy, for sending me these pics she did for my little Addie!  I love them, thank you sooooooo much!

Its done...

     So, I did it...I cleaned up the nursery.  It's the first time, since before I went into the hospital, that I've spent any length of time in Addie's room.  And, I survived!  Its a big step for me.  Yesterday, while P was napping, I put all of her clothes in totes, organized by size and just generally straightened things up. 

     It was easier than I thought it would be.  I think it was easy because, even though it was supposed to be her room, it never really WAS her room.  Does that make sense?  I guess I think that way because she never spent any time in it, other than when she was still in my belly.  Although, her name was still on the dresser, ready to be hung on the wall; her sonogram picture was still on the dresser in its frame; the rocker still in the corner waiting to be used; so many clothes have gone unworn.  Ugh, it sucked!  But still wasn't too bad.  I unpacked the hospital bag with her clothes in it.  I put her coming home outfit and her picture outfit in the box I bought just for her stuff.  And her blanket and hat that were given to her in the hospital.  I've also decided to finish her baby book.  Well, finish it as much as possible.  She still existed and its not fair to her to act like she didn't.  It will be interesting to see how much I can get through without crying.  Probably not much.  Once that is done, it will also go in the box.

     I've debated on donating her clothes, but have decided I don't want to yet.  We're still planning on having children, so why give them away?  Besides, I don't think I could give them away just yet...its almost like I'm saying "I give up" and I'm not.  Some may think that the fact I cleaned up the nursery says I'm giving up, but that's so not true.  I see it as getting a head start on welcoming a new life into the world.

     I'm proud of myself for getting through it without shedding a tear.  A very big step for me;  maybe I really am ready to say hello to a new baby.

A big thanks to Fran, who posted this pic for Bluebird Tuesday.

Oh so true...I love the words of Dr Suess!

Thanks, Franchesca!

Celebrating Hope

Small Bird Studios Blog Hop #1

       It hasn't been easy finding hope these last (almost) 6 months.  However, I'm going to take a stab at it and join several other mommas like me and join Franchesca's blog hop (see the link/button above).  I am going to write about the big and little things that have brought me hope since I gave birth to my silent, beautiful daughter.

1.  First and most of all, my husband has been the biggest contributor of hope.  Just seeing him smile lets me know we can get through anything.  The amount of complete SHIT we have been through together is astounding...but what amazes me even more is that he is still here.  His smile, his presence, tells me that there is hope for a brighter future.  And I love him more for it.

2.  Secondly is my mom.  She has been more than I could ask for.  She understands, she knows what its like to go through the loss of a child.  Just seeing how she survived her own loss and now my loss tells me that I too will survive.

3.   A wonderful, longtime friend.  Although she doesn't know it, she has been such a wonderful resource, a wonderful support...another survivor.  She has gone on to have 2 beautiful children since the loss of her first baby.  She's a wonderful mom and a better friend than I ever could have asked for.  Cindy, you have no idea just how much hope you've given me.

4.  Meeting other moms like me, those of us who share a unique yet terrible bond, has given me a different type of hope.  I read everyday about moms who are feeling the same things I am, going through the same emotions at the same time...and I know I'm not alone.  Although I've never met, and probably never will, these women, I feel closer to these women than most of my other friends.  They really understand.  Its women like Franchesca, Carly, Melissa, Sarah, and so many others that have given me hope...if they can survive, so can I. 

 5.  And, my newest source of hope is my memory box project.  I want so badly to create a legacy for my daughter...to show the world just how much I loved her.  I HOPE to bring some sort of joy to a family like mine, a family that has to say goodbye too soon. 


     So, there it is.  My celebration of hope.  I know its not much, but hope is there.  I know as time goes on, there will be more sources of hope.  But for now, this is what works for me.

Its days like today...

     ...that make me miss her the most I think.  Today was a great day!  I honestly can't tell you just how rewarding it is to have the Executive Director of a national Army program shake your hand and say thank you for all your hard work and tell you what a wonderful job you are doing.  That, in my eyes,  has validated everything I've worked for since starting my new job.  Its not that other people haven't said the same thing, because they have...but to have her do it just made all the difference in the world.   And, I SO wish I was be able to come home, pick her up, swing her in the air and give my little girl the biggest kiss in the world.  I just want share my great mood.  I want to show her that Momma's trying to make a difference in the world in some small way.  I want her to be proud of me; I want her to be proud of what we (my coworkers and I) are trying to accomplish; I want her to see what its like to honor those who have served, fought, and died for our country.  I've always had the urge to do something that helps others in some way and my jobs have always reflected that.  I just hope she's proud of her momma.
     Today has been beautiful.  I was actually able to drive home with my windows down and sunroof open.  I love days like today!  Actually, it reminds me of last year, the day I first felt her move.  I was about 17 weeks pregnant and it was just like today.  The first really warm day of the year.  I was on my way home from physical therapy and was jammin to some BuckCherry when I first felt those butterfly wings.  It was an amazing feeling.  I miss that...I can't believe I'm saying that I miss being pregnant!  Granted, my pregnancy wasn't bad...I didn't have a lot of morning sickness or anything, but I remember being so miserable at the end.  Then again, it was sweltering last summer, no wonder I was miserable.  I miss being pregnant...I miss feeling her move in my tummy...I just plain miss her.  I wish she were here so we could go outside and enjoy the beautiful day together.
     I hope you're enjoying the beautiful day from above, baby girl!  I know we're missing you down here!  I love you forever!

It's not George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic...

   Its just a funk...and I've been in one since Sunday when I woke up with a migraine (sorry about the title, had to make myself smile somehow, and, yes, I do realize that I'm probably the only one that finds it funny).  I wish I knew why.  I've been doing okay, with the exception of the dreams I've been having.  I haven't had one in a while.  I actually miss them...I wonder if that's the reason for my mood.  Despite the heart wrenching cries and not being able to reach her, I actually liked seeing how my mind pictures her.  I wonder if she was trying to tell me something...maybe that she's okay, that she's happy.
     So, yesterday was Valentine's Day.  I have to say, its not a really important holiday for P and I.  We know how much we care about each other and don't feel the need to spend extra money for gifts (although I AM jealous of the chocolate covered strawberries that several of my friends received!!!).  Still, I had to be a little mushy yesterday.  Despite the loss of my first born, I still feel as though I am the luckiest woman in the world.  I found a man who has, more than once, been through hell and back right along with me.  We've had to deal with so much crap in the almost 9 years we've been together.  Yet, he's still here.  I know a lot of baby loss parents don't make it through and I can certainly understand the reasons.  P puts up with my mood swings like a champion.  I don't know how he does it other than knowing when to leave me alone.  I hate the fact that I snap at him sometimes.  I don't mean to do it...I hope he knows that.  But out of tragedy, I really feel as though we have grown closer.  No, I don't always express my feelings to him...sometimes I can't put those feelings into words.  I just don't know how.  But more often than not, I can talk to him about things.  I just hope we can continue to talk to each other, especially as we start trying to have another baby.  I don't want to be the kind of person that goes out and buys ovulation predictor kits, takes my temperature, and actually plans the days we're going to "do the deed" (not that there's anything wrong with doing this, I just don't want to have to resort to doing these things...I'm afraid of what might happen between us).  That's just not the kind of life I want.  I just want it to happen.  I know trying to conceive becomes a sore spot for many couples.  My hope is, as we begin our journey, that we can still enjoy each other and not just worry about making a baby.  I truly am a lucky woman to have found him and certainly don't want to run him off with my neurotic behavior.

SERIOUSLY?!?!

     Ok, so I've gotten over the fact that I have a coworker who constantly complains about not getting enough sleep because of her 16 month old son.  I just ignore it now.  But today she said something that nearly set me off.  I had to literally bite my tongue not to say anything.  Basically she said she wanted to ditch her son and go take a tour of some buildings in DC.  Why would you want to ditch your son?  Even that young, he may enjoy going and being with his parents.  He's only a handful because you have made him that way.  There is something called discipline.  I just looked at her and said "You want to ditch your son?  Why would you do that?"  She then gave me some lame excuse, "Well, I don't think he would do well on the tour."  So what?!  You never know until you try.  Being a parent includes learning how to handle your child in different situations.  If you didn't want to be tied down with a kid then use birth control.  Or give him up for adoption to a family who really deserves a child because its obvious she doesn't deserve him.  WTF!  I really need something right now.  I am so mad I'm shaking.  I can't believe someone would even say that.  OMFG, can I smack her yet?

I miss you...

     I don't know why, but I woke up in a funk today; there were dried tears on my cheeks.  I guess today is gonna be a blue day.  I dreamed of you again last night.  Pretty much the same dream, you were smiling and laughing, reaching for me.  I still couldn't get to you though.  But, this time, you didn't cry when I couldn't pick you up.  You just watched me with those big blue eyes, almost as if you were trying to tell me something.  I really don't understand why I'm having dreams like these.  Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy.

     I miss your face, I miss your nudges, I miss your little feet.  I just plain miss you.  How can I miss you so much when I never really had you to begin with?  I never really got to meet you, so why does it hurt so much?

    I miss you so much.  I read on Facebook this morning that Carly, from To Write Their Names in the Sand, will be writing her 10,000th name this week...ten thousand families who've had to say goodbye to their children way too soon.  I'll never understand why we had to be one of those families.  Maybe its true, maybe you are in a better place.  But how can any place be better than my arms? Or Daddy's arms, or Grammy's arms? 

I love this quote!  Thanks for posting it Franchesca!

Why now...what triggered this?

     I don't know why but I had a very restless night last night.  I dreamed about her all night.  I don't know what brought this on.  In my dreams all she did was smile and reach for me, but it seemed like I could never get to her; no matter how close I got she was still just out of my reach.  Then she would cry when I coudn't pick her up.  This is the first time I have had a dream like this.  She's never been "alive" in any of my dreams.  I never once heard her cry, so why now?  I've never been one to try to interpret my dreams, but this one has me puzzled.  I have dreamed of her before, but it was more like my memories replaying themselves.  I've only dreamed of how she looked, smelled and felt.  I've only dreamed of her little face as I saw it the day she was born.  So, why am I dreaming of her alive, smiling, and crying?  I just don't get it.  What could this mean?
     The weekend was pretty good.  I went to P's sister, Amanda's baby shower/dinner.  I think I did okay.  It started to hurt a little when she was opening her gifts, but I made it through without shedding a tear.  My next goal is to be able to hold my newborn nephew when he makes his arrival.  I have held babies since Addie died, but none were newborns.  I believe the youngest was 2 months old.  So, this will be a new experience for me.  I just keep saying "I think I can, I think I can."  I really do think I can...but we'll see.  He'll be here soon enough.  I can't wait to find out his name.  They are doing the same that P and I did;  they've decided on a name, but aren't telling anyone until he is born.  For now, we call him "E2."
     Sunday brought the Super Bowl party.  I had a house full of pissed off Steelers fans.  It was actually kind of funny.  You could hear a pin drop during the last quarter...that's how quiet they were.  It was still a good day, I love having people over.  Lots of good food, lots of great people make for a good time!
     I'm actually hoping I dream of her again.  I know, its kind of morbid, but I think its interesting to see how my mind pictures her.  She wasn't a newborn in my dream...she looked maybe 5 or 6 months old, which would be just about right.  She had my color eyes and her Daddy's one dimple (which I always hoped she would have anyway so that's probably my mind adding it there) and her hair was a strawberry blond and curly.  I wonder...

A New Start

   I'm so proud to be her friend.  Cindy, my best and oldest friend (more like a sister) is starting her own photography business.  She is a stay at home mom to two beautiful kids.  She was there for me more than most after I lost Addie.   She's right up there with my husband and mom when it comes to helping me survive these past five months.  I am so happy to see her really doing something she loves.  I know she loves being a mom, but she also loves capturing every moment in her children's lives.  And she's not just playing around...she's really good.  She has a lot of talent and a lot of passion.  I'm so proud of her for taking this leap!
     You can read more about her new business, Cindy Kimble Photography, here.   And, if you live in the Pittsburgh area, think about giving her a call.  She is just starting out but give her a chance!  She has a link to her Facebook page so you can see some of her work.  I would if I lived in the area.  Congratulations on your new business, Cindy, I'm so happy for you!

"On Her Wings" Memory Box Project

     So, thanks to my mom and her great ideas, this memory box project might really happen!  I'm so excited to get started!  I think I'm only going to do 10 for now, 5 for boys and 5 for girls.  We're going to include seed packets, candles, Certificates of Life, footprint kits and hopefully some more little things.  All of these will be donated to the hospital where Addie was born.  I just wish I knew how to crochet because I would donate that kind of stuff too.  I can't believe how excited I am!  It feels so right to finally be doing some good all in the name of my baby girl!  Stay tuned for more updates and, hopefully soon, pictures! (the name is just a working title for now, we'll see what else comes along) 
     I just began a new blog today to chronicle the making of these boxes.  There are not posts yet, but I hope to get a start on them soon.  You can use this link to check it out.